Soundless Crying

Next on my list to buy the PICU are more kids single cotton sheets and of the ‘non pink’ variety. Sounds like a daft thing to be considering at this point of intensive care but even if I can’t get them in time for Gwendolyn it’d be nice for the other kids.

PICU parents feel helpless. As parents we’re used to chasing around after our child, feeding them up, wiping the snot from their noses, entertaining them with activities and tasks. In PICU we’re limited to reading out loud to them, holding hands and helping the nurses giving them a wash down while they hold all the breathing tubes and you have to avoid the lines tapped into every leg, arm and over the body.

Yesterday Gwendolyn’s sedations were weaned as they needed her to cough herself. Whilst lovely to see her eyes open at times it led to the most heart-breaking moment. Crying noiselessly is just heart-breaking as you see tears rolling down their face. Trying to hold her hand and stroke her hair to soothe her when i know that all she wants is to be held and I can’t because of all the tubes and wires helping her to breathe. I am so happy that she’s improved enough to be weaned off the sedation for a few hours but the soundless crying is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve had to watch whilst here. Buying new sheets seems daft – but its something to do, to feel as if I can make her more comfortable, especially if I find some non pink ones!

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