Every Pregnant Woman’s Nightmare – 23+5 weeks

The past couple of weeks have been ridiculously busy with uni work, Jon coming home, organising a christening… OK. So I’ve been avoiding writing about the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy.  Overtime I’ve gone back to my diary to reread what I’d put I felt sick.  But enough of putting it off.. here goes..  (Any men reading beware of female ‘stuff’!)

Monday – 23+5.  Dawn outside.  I know because I’m in bed on level 7 again and have left the curtains open.  Yesterday morning I’d had a bit of pinkish discharge so we’d popped over to the JR to have it checked out.  After waiting around or a few hours it had stopped & everything seemed fine so they sent us home.  Jon was on standby so went to work (he’s not allowed off base when on standby), I felt a bit rubbish so went to bed early with a hot water bottle on my back & a bowl of homemade banana choice chip & McDreamy to watch on tv.  A few hours later I woke up feeling uncomfortable to every pregnant womans nightmare, lying in a pool of blood.  I called the Maternity Assessment Unit & told them I’d get a friend to bring me in right away & let Jon know what was happening.  Anna like a trooper got straight up & drove me in & didn’t leave my side all night.  I have no idea how I kept it together until that point but when I walked into MAU, Marie was on shift & I broke down into tears.  They wasted no time in examining me – there was still a heart beat!!  Although I was still bleeding my cervix was long & closed so things calmed down a bit.  I had the first steroid injection that they give mothers at risk of going into preterm labour at the point of viability.  I kept going on & on about how the baby couldn’t come now.  I had to get to 24 weeks. Jon was able to get in for about 0830 & the bleeding seemed to be stopping.  So now I’m lying on my bed, crossing my legs, with the silly thought in my head that it might stop the bleeding.

Tuesday – 23+6.  Productive day with specialists.  Fetal Medicine Consultant was lovely & he’s happy that the bleeding has pretty much stopped.  I asked whether the bleeding was due to my condition or something common & he was very honest & said they simply didn’t know, but as I was at higher risk of infection they were more concerned.  He doesn’t think that I’ll make it past 30 weeks & now that I’m at the point of viability they’re getting a neonatal doctor to come & speak to me.  The neonatal Reg & SHO were lovely & very honest which is what I wanted.  We talked about what could be done & what couldn’t.  I can honestly say its one of the frankest conversations I’ve ever had & it wasn’t pleasant but I was prepared.  I feel like I completely trust them & I know they will do what is best for our baby – even if it isn’t whats best for us emotionally.  All I want is for our baby to have a chance but not to suffer.  Evening midwife just came in.  Arghhh. I love all the midwives here but this one….  She’s just spent the past 10 minutes doing my obs giving me that feeling sorry for you look as if its all over… I know she means well but I’m trying to stay positive here!!!!!!

Wednesday – 24 weeks!!!! MADE IT!!!!!!!!! I wanted to do a little skip (not beneficial for fluid loss obviously).  Against the odds.  So time to set a new goal… hmmm.. may be 32 weeks…  I’m feeling a bit woozy today (probably from all the non moving celebrations) & turns out I’m a tad anaemic.  A scan with Mrs Black & not much water at all (boo) but baby’s head is down & he/she has grown since last scan.  They’re happy for me to go home with iron tablets as long as I keep coming in to DAU. Escape!

Wednesday – 25 weeks. Been a busy week with the ‘girls’ travelling down to see me & Laura, Sian & Anna keeping a close eye on me.  It feels as if everyones nervous now but they’re really good & try to distract me from thinking about whats happening.  Yesterday I’d come in for DAU & Jon with me as its a bit pinkish again.. Marie seemed content enough so I went home but one of the midwives called back later in the day & said my CRP (infection markers) were a bit higher so I needed to come back in today to get it checked again.  Please. Please someone.  Don’t let this be an infection.  Just a few more weeks. I need to get past 26 weeks.  I think I’ll take my bags in with me today just incase.. its less pink & more red now with a clot… Wriggles is moving a lot though!

So good news is I’m measuring 26 weeks even though I’m 25 so baby is definitely still growing.  Other news is that I’m a resident again. CRP was down a small amount but as things are definitely red now the registrar & consultant decided to keep me in for observation. Wriggles has been moving lots today but not so much now… Am distracting myself with McDreamy & McSteamy & giving the ‘first world problems’ texts I’m getting an ignoring. More relaxed I am the better for baby. Thats my plan.  Chillll.

Thursday – 25+1 weeks. How can I seriously still have blood in my body??  Asked the midwife to listen to baby this morning as things had been a bit quieter than normal.  Everything ok.  Perfect little heartbeat.  I’ve told Laura about the bleeding but played it down a bit to the other girls as I feel like I just need 24 hours of no visitors.  My positivity is in a bit of a lull & everytime I go to the bathroom I want to cry.  How very un-ice queen of me!  Must sort it out by tomorrow.

Friday – 25+2 weeks. Amazing how important that plus one or two becomes. Things have eased off a bit & we’re now more pink. Wriggles is back wriggling & Andy Murray won! Bloods everyday at the moment & so far infection markers haven’t gone up again.  Really hope theres something other than lamb mince on the menu tomorrow.

Saturday.  Another day on level 7.. Amy (midwife) popped in when she came on shift & said that I might be allowed to go home on Monday if I’ve no further blood loss. We were joking about having a sweepstake on when I’ll go into labour – she thinks I’ll go 32 weeks.  She admitted that when I first came in at 17 weeks they all thought I’d miscarry & have been talking about what an incredible little stubborn fighter this baby is turning out to be! Kat drove all the way over from Leicester just for a few hours, I think she sensed I was about to lose it.  Someone actually said to me today in a text “yeah but you’re 24 weeks now so you & baby must be ok”. Grrr.  Have maintained my inner dalai lama & channelled maltesers through Greys Anatomy (realising of course that everyone thinks I’m mad for watching a hospital drama in hospital).

Sunday. Lots of visitors today & was allowed to leave the maternity building for a cup of tea in the hospital cafe with Kel.  Freedom!!(ish).  Reg saw me & has said that I’ll probably be kept in now & that he doesn’t think they’ll let me go past 34 weeks because of the risk (in my head I can’t decided if I’m chuckling or crying because a doctor said I might get that far).  My CRP is up a little but no more than if I had a cold. Manicure from the girls in the evening.  Consultant day tomorrow..

Monday – 25 weeks +5.  A roller coaster of a day. Jon was flying so knew I was in for a long quiet day – definitely not prepared for hormone city though!  Not long after breakfast I started having stomach cramps & then an hour later I noticed I was bleeding again.  I called the midwife just to try & calmly tell her the bleeding was back on & ask for some paracetamol – but as soon as Jenny walked in I just burst into tears. She was so good.  Paracetamol & a lay down & the cramping eased. Wriggles was moving again which makes every feel achievable & copeable (feel like making my own words up) again.  Jon & Laura S brought flowers & chocolates & bad jokes to cheer me up in the evening.  Laura is looking very pregnant now in a very neat bump way.  Poor Paul.  His nan is in ICU on a ventilator & they’re talking about switching if off tonight.  Their poor family.  Puts things into perspective.

Tuesday – 25 weeks +6.  So today was good & bad.  Good in that I had a scan with Kristoff (might have to rename him McDreamy) & baby’s growth looks good.  Plan is that I’ll deliver by 34 weeks at the latest.  Baby has turned & is now transverse so if labour starts & baby hasn’t been able to move again it would be a c-section.  Everything crossed for there being enough room & waters for baby to move.  No one is sticking a needle in my back!  Bad news is the bleedings getting worse again.  I’m surprised I don’t look translucent by now! Jon’s on standby again tonight so can’t come in but at least he managed to pop in for the scan.  Today’s chat about how things change again at 26 weeks as they can now use measure the babies heart rate constantly was a bit of an awakener. I had in my head that snowflake & I would make it all the way but its becoming clear now we won’t.  I want so much for snowflake to survive & through some sort of magic for there to have been enough fluid for the lungs to have developed.  I want snowflake to be able to breathe & I hate that I can’t fix it or do something about it.  So instead I’ll just lay on my bed, not even able to flush the loo clean because theres just too much blood now.